Logy In The Saddle

No one would walk away from this lethal showdown between a cowpoke and his colon!

My wife's a health nut so we get this stuff in the mail from time to time. Catalogs with little chrome skeletons and three-foot sponge-rubber models of gum tumors, that kind of thing. A while ago a pamphlet came through the mail slot that got my heart racing. It was all about impacted colons.

If you've spent any time at all on the periphery of alternative medicine you've heard a hell of a lot more about people's colons than you ever wanted to. There are resorts all over the world where people... how do I put this gently... where people stick tubes up their asses and have gallons -- gallons! -- of water or coffee or antifreeze pumped into their agonizingly distended guts. Then they evacuate the effluvia into a collander and inspect the leavings. From what I've heard it's pretty impressive. People find things like Monopoly pieces, car keys, remote controls, former lovers... Not my idea of recreation but hey.

So as I'm sorting through the mail this jumps out at me.

What Movie Star Has A Horrible Bowel Problem?

I kind of hate celebrities. I hate the fact that there's an industry devoted to ramming all this gossipy crap right into my brain where it will never be forgotten. So when I read this a cascade of names ran through my brain -- Halle Berry, Tom Cruise, Bennifer -- and I wanted all of them to have horrible bowel problems. Really horrible bowel problems. I flip to page five and it's one of those perfect moments where everything just makes sense.

John Wayne Had Forty Pounds of Shit In His Colon.

Fuh-fuh-fuh-fuckin' A it's frightening! What did he smell like? I've got a bad back and the doctor told me not to pick up anything that weighs more than thirty-five pounds. The Duke was gestating a turd too heavy for me to lift!

This made perfect sense to me for two reasons. The first was that I've read the famous Playboy interview and the man came off as a dick, plain and simple. One of those reactionaries that likes the word freedom and also likes to beat the crap out of anyone who attempts to exercise it. A racist reactionary pinhead. In other words, he was full of shit. And he was! He really, really was! I will admit that I enjoyed Wayne as Rooster Cogburne, but Cogburne was exactly like Wayne himself only he went after bad guys instead of war protestors.

The second reason? I had inside information. My mom once gave me this wacky collection of celebrity recipes, a book that has given me hours of giggle time, and one of the submissions came from our man so I knew how Wayne had packed his colon. Check it out...

John Wayne's Colon-Clogging Cheese Casserole Recipe.

Behold A Man Baking A Loaf The Size Of A Fat Toddler!

Usually when I read a recipe I pretty much know how the dish is going to turn out. This one baffles me. I can't imagine anything with a ratio of two pounds of cheese to four eggs turning into a souffle. He doesn't suggest serving it on top of anything so it must not turn out like a rarebit or fondue. I mean, did he just eat this shit? With a tablespoon? Maybe I should give it a try. It looks kind of tasty!

So listen up, buckaroos. Let this be a lesson to you -- an hombre needs to keep track of the three R's. Roping. Riding.

And roughage.

Move 'em out!

Nutbar junk mail courtesy of Nutri-Health Products.